Lost Love

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Raheel Rajani on February 23, 2010 at 9:38pm

hey Nolan,

i'm really sorry to hear what happened bro. believe me, i feel your pain. this might sound kinda lame given the fact that a similar thing happened to me in high school, and those types of relationships aren't always meant to last anyway. sad to say, i've actually been on both sides of this situation as well.

unlike what i did, i say the best thing you can do is just make an effort to be just friends, (this may not be something you'd want to hear) regardless if anything positive ever comes out of it for both of you.

as i've mentioned earlier, i've been on both sides of this type of situation (sometimes it would be the girl who'd beat me to it, which felt worse than not giving the girl a chance... i dunno, i guess there were fleeting moments where i felt it would've worked out, but for the most part, it was just being rejected), where loyalty/commitment wasn't something i treasured as much as i do now (i was like that before i was saved, btw). after i was saved, God began to reveal things to my heart about my past, so i could take responsibility for my own actions, and for what had happened to me as a child (which i have). you see, i never knew my father, and my mother wasn't always around either (unlike my old man, she was in the picture, but she just wasn't around--she lived like a teenager, partied more than i did, jumped from one relationship to another, and was very "involved," [she's still very much sexually active, but i forgave her for that a few years ago]) so naturally, i grew up thinking that this was the norm, and during my teens and in my relationships, i was very much like my both my parents than i thought and initially aspired to be. i knew something was wrong, but i could never identify it, but i knew that i didn't wanna date as much as my mom did and wanted to marry the first person i dated (i was like 12, i didn't know any better. lol). but as i said, it turned out, i was very much like my parents. i wasn't as sexually active as my mom was (i had only slept with one girl at 13), but that did have an impact on me, nevertheless (without going into too much detail). i chose not to be so involved in the future, and so far, i haven't (nor do i plan to be until i'm married), but that didn't change the fact that i jumped from one relationship to the other.

what i'm trying to get at, is it wasn't because none of those relationships were working out, it was because i was afraid to get too emotionally involved, because i had assumed that all women were like my mom. so before things started to get kinda good with whoever i was with, i'd distance myself (i guess i figured i wouldn't miss the girl as much if we never got that close). being in high school at the time, it was either her or one of her friends that would confront me about it, and i'd use the same old, "it's just not gonna work out," "well why not?" "i'm just not feeling it," and i would convince myself of that too, thinking that the next girl i'm with, i'd have to have a good "feeling" about her being loyal (even though i myself couldn't do it).

i'm probably the worst example of the kinda person who's been impacted in the way that i have in my childhood and having done what i've done in terms of comparing myself with ex, but my point is, maybe she's using the arguement as an excuse from getting too emotionally involved in the relationship. i'm not saying this is the be all end all, but from what you've mentioned, (sadly) it sounds like it's that sorta typical case scenario, where it's difficult for her to trust other men simply because of what had happened to her when she was younger, and again at her college graduation. it could've been other factors too (does she have any older male siblings that have behaved the way her dad has?). that's why i say it's best to just be a friend for now, pray for her (this may be untimely so forgive me, but i wouldn't pray so much for your relationship, because if you'll be honest with yourself [not saying that you're not], you gotta admit that it's probably not a good idea to be with her long-term if she's shown within a year that she has commitment issues), and allow God to work in her heart. does she know Jesus? either way, for now, just love her like Jesus would, all the while expecting nothing in return. not to discredit your intelligence at all, but don't talk to her about her past for a while, but do talk about it at some point (if God leads you to). you'll know when it's the right time, and when she can trust you enough as a friend. again, just follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. you don't have to make your relationship work, but i really do believe that you should make your friendship work--it's what we're called to do.

i believe in ya bro, and i'll be praying for you.
God bless!

your brother in Christ,
Raheel

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by grace on February 25, 2010 at 7:31am

I am amazed how Raheel gives pieces of advice :-) ... And for you Nolan, ;-) If you choose to still love her, i feel that nothing's wrong with that, but of course it would be painful getting no equal love in return. If you can bear the pain that comes with loving a person who needs space, that would be sweet, sincere and unselfish... Well, one thing my mom would always remind us about people breaking relationships is that their decision should be given respect. She would always tell us that there are some people who would stay and pretend everything is going alright rather than breaking up even the relationship is not worth saving anymore, only because they never really loved the person... and that means so much. If a person come to you and tell you she/he needs to break up with you, it may mean that she/he had really loved you sincerely and was hurt deeply for some reason that she needs to regain emotional stability. It may not have lasted the way you expected, but at least the love given to you was never fake... Well Nohan, this is just my opinion and every person has his own perception. Let me share this line a friend shared with me too... "Someday, someone will walk into your life and will make you realize why it didn't work out with any one else" (With God's grace) Take Care, God Bless you!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Holly Short on February 24, 2010 at 5:20pm

Hi Nolan. Now I'm probably no the wisest person in the field of love lol but I do know what it is like to have your feeling hurt terribly by another person who you thought was someone special. there is obviously a reason why you were sent into her life. Maybe to help her through the tough times with her family and to show her what love can be like. Bu the thing that I am certain of is that if she is not the one meant for you, then God must have someone extremely special for you to share your life with:):) and as for her making the small talk, I would continue to talk with her and continue a strong friendship. that could mean a lot in her life and you could still be making a huge difference. Hope it all works out for you Nolan. I will pray for you and her. Holly

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by George on March 4, 2010 at 2:27pm

Time heals all wounds. Just be patient and pray. In order to see the rainbow

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by George on March 4, 2010 at 2:28pm

Time heals all wounds. Just be patient and pray. In order to see the rainbow you must first endure some rain.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Rachel Gray on March 6, 2010 at 10:38pm

It kind of sounds like maybe she has a hard time letting people in. Maybe when she did it scared her. And if she still makes small talk and texts it may be for comfort. I am really sorry to hear about that. I was with someone for a few years and he would say he wanted to marry me. I got back into church and rededicated my life to Christ and he went along with it....but I think he just "went along with it" so we started to clash a lot. I wondered why I was changing so much and he wasn't. He eventually wouldnt even touch me and the verbal abuse was overwhelming. I'm not sure what happened, could be his past with his mother or his time in the marines. He got so mean then just pushed me away. I felt abandoned in a sense and incredibly confused. But It took me a very long time to forgive and move on. Just try to stay strong and grounded in the word. God knows exactly what we need and wants to meet the desires of our heart. He knows who is strong enough for us, will stand by us, and who will love us. I have been single now for almost 2 years and yeah it gets lonely. It's just hard to meet real christians that follow God and genuine people! But I am hopeful, forgiving, and expecting a blessing! Keep your chin up and time will heal! God bless you and I will pray for you. I surely understand your pain and confusion!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Nathan on March 10, 2010 at 8:28am

Trust in the Lord, wait upon him expectantly, and he will show you his will.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Rachel Gray on March 10, 2010 at 11:32am

Wait expectantly...very true! I was listening to a preacher talk about how we wait. God does'nt want us to wait all discouraged and complaining, wait expectantly for he has great things for us. Wait in faith!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Emily Chidalek on March 29, 2010 at 3:43pm

I moved to England.

Other than that, I think you just need to continue praying that God will show you what to do next. It won't be easy, and I am not trying to say it will, but you just need to get over it. Maybe she has attachment issues that even she doesn't know about, maybe this has something to do with what her Dad did to her. Think of what is best for her, not yourself. If you can do that then this was love. If you are more interested in your own feelings and your broken heart than it was 'love' or what I like to call lust. Maybe her heart is broken too, maybe she loved you back but could see too many arguments in her future and did not want to deal with it. Maybe you didn't show that you were enough of a provider, or maybe she is not a nurturer. Above all, maybe you two weren't meant to be.

From what you have written it seams like you want an 'aww, don't think that way, you will find someone' response. But that is not what I am going to give. To me it sounds like you are more worried about your own emotional well being than hers. I would say grow up a bit, live a bit, then try again with someone else. Just because you are 24 doesn't mean that you have truly lived yet. Is this the first time your heart has been broken? if so, then this is for the best. Everyone needs to know what it feels like to have a broken heart. And honestly, God would have not let this happen if it was not in his will.

Hate me if you want <3

▶ Reply to This